Dummy

Having become a pariah at work, cheer yourself up by going to see Portishead in concert.

If the notion of cheering yourself up by going to see Portishead in concert sounds oxymoronic, don’t worry. Simply arrive at the Hammersmith Apollo, have a cataclysmic row with your long-term girlfriend, and storm out of the dress circle five minutes before Beth Gibbons walks on stage. Then go home, drink half a bottle of Scotch, and plunge a rusty nail into your jugular vein.

That’ll put a smile on your face, of the rictus variety.