Do You Know Who I Am?

The fact that you are in ‘top’ celebrity nightspot Mahiki of an evening should not detract from a fundamental truth: you are Dirk fucking Diggler, a regular disco daddy, ripping up the floor like some shit-hot carpet-fitter of dance.

It doesn’t matter that the champagne costs £100 a bottle. It doesn’t matter that the staff treat you with a contempt normally reserved for incestuous Austrian paedophiles. It doesn’t even matter that you puke up an entire steak and kidney pie in their toilet.

No, none of these things matter because you are seriously fly and the chicks are digging it.

Digging it, that is, until you have the following conversation:

CHICK: Are you the guy from Peep Show?

YOU: Er, no.

CHICK: Oh.

(Chick shuffles away, with all her friends.)

Immaculate Misconceptions (II)

For those who can’t tell the difference between a woman who is pregnant and a woman who is overweight, there’s much to learn about the birthing process, from beginning through middle to end.

For instance, it turns out that a preconception class is a forum in which couples who want to have a baby discuss topics such as ovulation, diet, and the merits of the reverse cowboy as a doorway to insemination.

It is not, as might be imagined, a place where you discover how to make rash judgments about people you’ve never met.

Immaculate Misconceptions (I)

If nothing else, trivial parlour games provide a useful diversion at parties where you congratulate a fellow guest on her pregnancy when she is not, in fact, pregnant.

New Games (II): ‘Ad Nauseam’

If faeces are not your idea of fun, how about a game with a musical theme?

In order to play Ad Nauseam, you’ll need to trawl through your record collection to find songs which have been used in adverts. Once you have gathered a decent selection, play random snippets to the contestants (aka: your friends). It is their task to guess the artist, track title, product and brand. Award one point for each element the contestant correctly identifies, and a bonus point if they get all four.

New Games (I): ‘Gangster Number Two’

This simple dinner-party word game requires you to name films which have a vague affiliation to pooh, rather than films which actually are pooh. Points are awarded for original titles (Jackie Brown, Cable Guy) and variations thereof (hence ‘Gangster Number Two’).