Immaculate Misconceptions (II)

For those who can’t tell the difference between a woman who is pregnant and a woman who is overweight, there’s much to learn about the birthing process, from beginning through middle to end.

For instance, it turns out that a preconception class is a forum in which couples who want to have a baby discuss topics such as ovulation, diet, and the merits of the reverse cowboy as a doorway to insemination.

It is not, as might be imagined, a place where you discover how to make rash judgments about people you’ve never met.

Immaculate Misconceptions (I)

If nothing else, trivial parlour games provide a useful diversion at parties where you congratulate a fellow guest on her pregnancy when she is not, in fact, pregnant.

Don’t Miss …

In addition to an extremely rare live performance by your favourite band, there are other things that shouldn’t be missed. These include:

The Final Episode of Damages

For the first time in aeons, get so hammered on a Monday night that you fall asleep on the sofa at 10:38 – three minutes into the series finale of the brilliantly Byzantine legal drama. Wake up during Inside Sport and immediately fly into a rage. Smash the remote control on the coffee table and use one of the plastic splinters to poke out your eyes – just so you can’t become slavishly devoted to a brilliantly Byzantine legal drama ever again.

Karl’s New Year’s Eve Party (December 2007)

Drinking vintage Krug, playing human rodeo and licking MDMA off the cleavage of a 23-year-old model is no fun. Not compared to a night at home, in a prepubescent sulk, watching Jools Holland’s Annual Hootenanny.

Your Grandmother’s Funeral (January 2007)

Pay your respects on a windswept platform at Nuneaton station, waiting for a train to Crewe that never arrives. Apparently, there are actual trees on the line, rather than merely leaves, which means all northbound trains are cancelled. Toast granny’s passing with a lukewarm latte and an energy bar, before returning to London via Hull.

The 0950 Coach From Oxford To Bristol (November 1995)

In missing the one and only bus that runs between the two cities on Saturday, fail to appear at full-back for Bristol University’s 3rd XV in their keenly-anticipated clash with Keynsham. Then neglect to inform your mum, who is about to set off from London to watch you play, even though she isn’t anticipating the clash quite as keenly as everybody else. In fact, she couldn’t give a fuck about the rugby, but is looking forward to seeing her son, rather than a bunch of hairy strangers cavorting in the mud.

Pour Femme

When emanating from the clothes and body, stale beer smells about as pleasant as the intestines of a dead carp. To mask the stench, douse yourself in scent. Do not, however, douse yourself in a scent so trendy and expensive it comes in a bottle without any writing on it. Otherwise, you’ll end up having a conversation like this with your long-term girlfriend:

HER: ‘Are you having an affair?’

YOU: ‘No.’

HER: ‘Then why do you smell like a woman who drinks too much lager?’